you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
