Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
