Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
