im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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