I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
