I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
