im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
How's work?
Spinning.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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