So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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