Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
