Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
