I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
