Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
