So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
All I want is dick and wine.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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