I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
