The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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