She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Found your dick twin last night
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Randomize
