I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
