Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize