I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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