1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
