I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
