i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
