My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Randomize
