You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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