I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
