Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I look better un-naked...
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
