porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
