life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
