I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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