put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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