I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
