my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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