He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
