I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
