watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
