GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
