people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
