I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
FUCK WHALES
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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