so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
