Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
