I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
