My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
