The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
