she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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