It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
