we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
