dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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