Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
