What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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