It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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