I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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