I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just found puke in my bra..
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
